Tough couple months by Ben from 29 May 2019

I've been going through alot lately. I've had alot of pressure put on me that I didn't want. I have more responsibilities now then what I would ever wanted for myself 5 years ago. There are people depending on me now. Some times it starts to get a little overwhelming and frustrating. I am constantly second guessing myself and my decisions. All I really wanna do is bitch about it, escape it. I just wanna turn it all off and disappear sometimes. Push the power button, pull the plug, flip the switch... anything for a break sometimes.

But then I have days like Saturday. I had a giant list of things to do... and I watched Star Wars all day. Not productive in the slightest, especially considering I sat through the entire Phantom Menace. Days like Saturday exacerbate everything sometimes. Yes, I was able to relax for a while, but only at the expense of some responsibility I have. Which is not really a break at all. It's just procrastination.

But, finally, I feel like I am starting to get my feet under me. I feel like I am finally starting to gain back some control of things. I definitely still have alot of stressors out there that are constantly worrying me but I feel better about it today for some reason then I have in a while. I don't know. Nothing has changed. If anything, things have only gotten more complicated in the last week. But, I figure we have to do what we have to do regardless. We just have to power on sometimes. Just gotta get to the next item on the list.

I need to learn to trust myself more and I need to figure out a better way to motivate myself sometimes. I think that's the point of this post.

Side note: this orchestra did a tribute to Keith Flint and I really really liked it.